I'm much too young to feel this damn old!

So home from the infamous 15 year reunion for my high school graduating class of 1995. It was a small but fierce gathering of my fellow classmates. Seeing people from your past always reminds you of times gone by. Times that were simpler and filled with optimistic longings and youth. Well, seeing my classmates after this weekend, I see that those days are LONG behind us!

Lord we are gettin' OLD!!

It was actually kinda funny how many of the conversations were focused around our current lives and being in our thirties. Many of us realize that we are, to put it in the simplest terms, getting old!

I must have heard from over half how they have to be in bed before 10 pm and can't eat anything after a eight. Many of them are talking about the new house they bought and all the remodeling projects they are doing. They talked about their kids and the funny things they say and do. All of this made for great conversation, but it is so opposite of what we used to bond over so many years ago.

We used to be connected by simple things like music, food, beer, history class, and boys/girls. Our lives revolved around things that at the time, mattered so much, but in retrospect, mattered none. I guess that is all apart of aging. I just never realized that it would be happening now.

We are only in our early 30's! It seems unfair. So many of us were like kids again last weekend: drinking way more than we should have, staying up until the sun rose from the mountains, and doing inappropriate things. It made me wonder just how many of us are finally recovered from the weekend. It is Tuesday and I still feel like crap. I need a nap. I need to go back and NOT drink that last drink. I want to go back and NOT have stayed up talking with all of my classmates until 7:30 in the morning. But most of all, I want to go back and NOT have seen one of my classmate's ass three times, like I did that night. I won't explain further, but lets just say that I will never again be able to eat a croissant again without thinking of his ass!!

I guess you could say that time gets away from us and we all age. But I still feel like a kid inside my head, especially when I see my old friends from my childhood. The sad sorry truth of the matter is that unfortunately my body thinks otherwise. It isn't fair really. I have a constant battle now between my brain and my body. I guess I know who won.

It is basically the same with my RA. I struggle with the mental fact that I am young and vibrant, but then I try and swing my legs off the bed and am so stiff that I can't move without great effort or even a pain pill. It is a constant battle. I wish that our brains and bodies aged at the same pace...so then we wouldn't all feel so conflicted all the time. I have to admit though, it was nice to see that many of my fellow classmates can understand for an instant a little bit of how it feels like to have RA. You just don't want to admit your limitations, and you just can't get past the treasonous rebellion that your body wages against you everyday. This is what RA feels like. It isn't all there is to it, but it gives a glimpse of my daily battle.

Basically, we are all waging war against time. Time we can never get back. Time we should cherish. It's not about feeling old...it's about remembering that we are still young, but maybe with just a few more limitations than before.

But as Garth Brooks said, "Lord, I'm much too young to feel this damn old!" Ain't that the truth Garth, Ain't that the truth!!

God bless and hope all you kids at heart out there remember to always try and win the battle!

Reunions, Reminiscing, and RA

Reunions. The word itself implies absence, longing, and separation. None of those things are very positive, right? Well then, why should I be positive about going to my 15 year class reunion this weekend? That's the thing...I'm not.

I don't know why either. I was happy in high school. Well, as happy as any teenager could be, I suppose. But what I really mean is that I can honestly say that I enjoyed my four years of high school. I was a good student academically, I had many friends from all varieties and cliques, and I was active in student activities, both academically and socially.

Feeling rather nostalgic, looking back I remember people coming to my locker on Friday's asking me where the party was going to be. Yes, I was a "partier." I drank most of the football team under the table and I was damn proud of it at the time. I know that is nothing to put on a resume, but I am not going to lie about my past and pretend that I was not who I was. I was never in to drugs, just alcohol. Sweet, liquid gold of Miller Genuine Draft was my poison. Whenever there was a beer run there was always a separate order for me and my MGD.

That wasn't my only quirk either. I was known for several things back during my high school party days. I could most likely be found in a bathtub, fully clothed with no water, sleeping or passed out. On several occasions, I was the designated "Mom" of the group meaning that I was the one who would take care of the dumbasses who couldn't hold their alcohol or their hair back when vomiting. I was the one who taught most of my friends drinking games like 3Man, Drunk Driver, President's and Assholes, and Thunder (to name a few)! I was generally the one who helped plan the party and I was generally the one who cleaned up afterwards too. It was just apart of who I was.

Today, I guess you could say I am not THAT much different. Well, my nights of sleeping off a drunk in a random bathtub has changed and I don't play drinking games anymore. But I do still love to plan parties and am pretty responsible when it comes to making sure people are safe and having a good time. Since the RA diagnosis I don't drink as much anymore. Actually, i couldn't drink at all for two years because of the Methotrexate injection that I took every Sunday. That was difficult to get used to, but alas, I was able to permanently plant my ass on the wagon.

I think looking back at high school that it was the springboard to who I have become as an adult. I actually have remained close friends with several of my classmates, which is no small feat. Think about it...how many of your high school friends are you still in contact with? Not many, I am sure. I know that I am an anomaly when it comes to this but I work really hard to keep these friendships. I have known most of these people since I was five years old. It takes a lot to continue the relationship, but it is important to me. They are important to me. Especially since I got sick.

My friends from my past have been there for me unconditionally. Sure there are some of the relationships straining (which I don't blame them in the least...dealing with RA is not fun or easy) but overall, my friends are the best friends and confidants that anyone could ever hope for.

So I find myself a little irritated as I write this, as I am having a bit of a flare right now and trying my damnedest to feel better enough to make the trip this weekend. Its not like I haven't seen all the people who I most want to see, because I go home to Montana whenever I can to visit, but getting all the "old" clan back together all under one roof with others from my past, is something that shouldn't be missed.

I say that, and really do believe that. So then why am I dreading going to this reunion?

Simple. I hurt. I am dealing with the RA on a 24/7 basis, and I would love to just go back in time. Back to when things were more simple. Back when all I had to worry about was who was going to buy my MGD and which drinking game I was going to kick ass on that night. Wouldn't that be nice. If only.

So instead, I get my self mentally and hopefully physically prepared for the weekend. Lets just hope that I can make it there...back to the past...and away from my future!! So here's to you Class of 1995!

Wishing you all good humor and health!

Its the end of the world as we know it...

Having a chronic disease that will forever affect your life and those who are in your life can be challenging to say the least. One of the hardest lessons I learned when I got sick was that people are sometimes not who you thought they were and many times when the going gets rough...many of those who you thought would be there for you run in the opposite direction. It sucks, but alas, it is just how the game is played.

That said, I had the most interesting day yesterday. I got not only one, but three emails from three separate people in my past whom I have been estranged over the last few years, contacting me to try and mend the bridges and try and resolve the issues of the past.

So I am thinking one of two things...A)the end of the world as we know it is upon us and people are tying up lose ends before judgement day (this is not that far fetched considering the news the other night of the flash flooding in Oklahoma and the bright RED waters that looked like blood - the book of Revelation discusses this as a sign of the apocalypse...just sayin')...or B)sometimes people just need time to realize that they were wrong and they eventually come around.

I would love to think that is the case with the latter, but I guess I am jaded and a bit too much of a cynic to think that people can change that much for the better. Am I wrong? Do you think that people can truly change?

I tend to lean towards the explanation of the end of the world, but then that would be truly sad because I haven't fulfilled many of my lifelong dreams of traveling abroad, having a family, etc.

Of course, that would be my luck.

Just some thoughts for the day....would love to know what others think about change because I hope that I am wrong about my predictions.

Wishing you good health and humor!

You can't die from laughter...

Well folks it's been about six months. You know what that means? My hip joints (mainly the right one if we are keeping track) decide to go on strike and wage a full blown assault. No, it's not nice and no it's not pretty, but alas, it happens about every six months. I don't know why and I don't know the cause. All I can do is pull out the metal crutches I bought at a Walgreens last year and hobble from room to room and chair to bed. WOW, aren't you so envious? NOT!

The funny thing is that you would think that after having Rheumatoid Arthritis for over three years now and having hip issues consistently every six months, I would get used to it.

How exactly does one get used to the chronic pain and the inability to get up and hobble to the toilet when needed?

I am thinking this must be a rhetorical question because there could not possibly be a rational or even reasonable answer. I guess I was wrong.

Although I blog here and share random parts of my life with the world, I also am an avid reader of other's blogs on the Internet. You would be surprised of how many people have blogs who are suffering with pain and/or living and dealing with chronic pain. It is insane! And these are the few who are actually blogging about it. Statistically speaking, there has to be a large number of people out there who are also living with chronic pain and NOT writing about it for all the world to read.

As I was reading these blogs, I am finding a common theme: we are all in pain, we all are talking about it, and we are all TRYING to have a sense of humor about it.

Humor. Ahh....that must be the answer. How does humor play it's role? Let me explain in a short allegory.

Once upon a time in the land of Pain, lived a beautiful young princess who was struck down by a wicked and mean old witch who placed an evil spell upon her. She made sure that for the rest of the princess's life, she would forever be in pain, her joints would swell, she would have to quit her job, she would lose many friends, be kicked out of her castle only forced to move into her parent's castle, and be impoverished like the beggars on the street. (Isn't this a great beginning of a story??)

Every day the princess lived with debilitating pain: pain in her feet and ankles, pain in her shoulders, pain in her hips, pain everywhere. Some days were better than others but for the most part she was stuck. With the pain. But not only did she have that, but also she was always tired a little bitchy and felt like she always had the flu. Day in and day out, this noble princess suffered.

Okay, I will stop there. A little far fetched for a fairytale, you say? Well THAT my friends is my life. At first, it was upsetting. No, let's be honest. IT SUCKED!! But after a while...a LONG while, I began to laugh about it. I mean, what else could I do?

Laughter is the only thing that has gotten me this far into this disease. Without my sense of humor, I would not be where I am today. I would not be able to force myself out of bed in the mornings or grind my teeth as I force myself to walk to the back of the Target store to find the laundry detergent. Hell, without my sense of humor I wouldn't be able to live this life day in and day out. No one could.

There are many things that would not be possible without my sense of humor and the sense of humor of those around me. The things that I find really funny are the little trite "words of wisdom" that people so freely give when you are sick. For instance, some of my favorites are:

"God only gives you what you can handle."
or
"That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger!"

Classic little insights that many people feel necessary to share that are supposed to be helpful. You know what I find helpful? Quotes and advice that I can actually work with and depend on. Something that I can hold on to when I am trying to get out of bed in the morning or waiting for the next pain pill to kick in.

One of my favorites is a quote from Bill Cosby. He said, "Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it."

For my sake Mr. Huxtable, I hope you are right!

Wishing you all good health and HUMOR!!

The Chocolate Milk Diet

I logged on to the computer this morning and Yahoo's main page greeted me with the most amazing headline story since OJ Simpson was found Not Guilty! There is a new diet called the Chocolate Milk Diet.

Doth mine eyes deceive me?? Did you just say there is a diet that is made up of Chocolate milk??

My first reaction was, NO WAY. There is no possible way that you can lose weight by drinking chocolate milk. That is just plain stupid. But then as I read the story, I was convinced.

Apparently there are four main incentives to drinking three glasses of chocolate milk per day (one in the morning, one before you work out and one directly after your workout). They are as follows:

1. Calcium: Drinking milk provides you with calcium in your diet. Calcium, as we all know, aids in the building of strong bones. But the most interesting part is that researchers have found a link with those who have a daily intake of 1000mg of calcium a day can lose up to 18 pounds of belly fat! Lets be honest; who couldn't stand to lose a few pounds around the middle. Also, having RA, I have to take large quantities of calcium with Vitamin D for my bone health. If I can get it in drinking milk rather than taking another pill, then I say HELL YES!! Win, win!

2. Vitamin D: Vitamin D is essential for the body to help you consume the calcium in your body. Without it, your body cannot properly distribute the calcium. Also, vitamin D is great for strengthening muscles and bones and counteracting depression. Many Americans are deficient in vitamin D as we naturally consume it through exposure to the sun. With the advancements in technology (we sitting on our computers throughout the days rather than working outside) and the rise in skin cancers (we lather ourselves with sunscreen to avoid exposure) we are no longer spending an adequate amount of time in the sunshine, and therefore are becoming Vitamin D deficient. Milk is a great source of Vitamin D. Again; win, win!

3. Endurance Boost: Drinking milk gives you a natural boost of energy. Milk has electrolytes that help aid in keeping you more hydrated AND it has a natural sweetness which helps push more energy into your muscles (see the link below). As an RA sufferer, finding the energy to get out of bed in the morning, let alone to exercise is sometimes non-existent. But, if I get up and drink a large cold glass of chocolate milk in the morning, perhaps it will help me to find the energy I need. This is something we should all remember and put down those sugary, energy drinks that are, let's face it, bad for you anyways! Win, Win - take three!

4. Protein: Milk is protein ridden and therefore highly important in the production of muscles. We all know that more muscle mass means more fat burning. What do we call this? Oh yeah, that's right...win, win AGAIN!!

So you see my little minions, drinking chocolate milk is not only good for you, but it is essential in weight loss and management. There can be no dispute!

Now, if only I can get someone to write an article on the link between eating fried foods and losing weight! :)

If you are interested in the article, please follow this link!

Wishing you all a healthy and happy day!

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/eatthis/54828/the-chocolate-milk-diet/

You made your bed...now you can LIE in it...

Have you ever wondered what possesses a person to lie?

Have you yourself ever told a big fat whopper? Did you feel remorse afterward?

The subject of truth and deception is an old hat when it comes to some people. Some people have constructed their entire lives around a leaky foundation of lies and deceit that they don't know the truth from their lies anymore.

I am referring to one person in my life in particular, but for the sake of anonymity, I will not post her name or rank. But let's just say, that in my life, although she is not unique to the subject of deceit, she is by far the most destructive and crafty.

It amazes me when people think that making shit up is okay. How is that ever okay once you past puberty? I mean other than, of course, when you were a teenager and trying to get out of trouble for being at a party, or getting caught smoking...sure, who didn't lie then to try and CYA (Cover Your Asses)? But it is when we are adults that we grow out of these immoral behaviors of lying and manipulating other people to get what we want.

What is really sad, is there are people who think that this is a way of life. They go their entire adulthood from one lie to the next, one manipulation to the next, and one drama to the next. That is another thing...have you ever noticed that people who lie a lot have a LOT of drama surround their lives? Makes you wonder, don't it?

I don't know, it just seems to me that people like this have missed something in the process of becoming a responsible adult. There was a defect in the foundation or learning process. Sometimes I wonder if those people can ever move past the defect and try and remedy the situation. Sometimes it is just too late; they are doomed to remain liars and manipulators for the rest of their lives.

It is sad actually. But the funny thing is...they don't realize how pathetic and sad their lives really are, because they tell themselves that they are the victim and it is not their fault...which is actually...a lie!

Funny how things work out that way!

Wishing you all a happy and healthy "truthful" day!

Queen of Denial...

Kittens! Just the word itself inflicts good thoughts and warm fuzzies, don't you think?

My mother, who is now getting on in her years and ever so more set in her ways, has decided in her infinite wisdom that she wants a new kitten. A good friend who works at a Vet clinic told me of a mother cat and four babies who had been discarded on the clinic's front steps. I told my mother and well, that was she needed. Mother decided to adopt one of those "poor little things" and bring it home to my father, who pretends to dislike cats (and that is putting it mildly), and her two dogs and one very old and very opinionated tortoise-shell cat, Rajah.

Rajah was not originally my parent's cat. She was adopted in after one of my siblings moved to another city and left her at my parent's house. One of the ways in which my parents have acquired most of their pets over the years. Rajah is a moody cat. She is set in her ways. She doesn't like people or children. She doesn't really like anything unless it is her idea or with her approval. She is a bit of a drama queen and when she is unhappy, EVERYONE knows about it. She is moreover the queen of the house.

So you can imagine that she was none too pleased when the TWO, yes, I said two, new kittens came home with my mother from the vet clinic. Mother went to retrieve her new kitten, but then decided it would not be right to only take one...so she got two. That way they would have someone to play with, because Lord knows, Rajah was not about to partake in such matters. Needless to say, Rajah has not been very happy these last few days. She has not been eating. Hissing at everything from the dogs to the furniture. She won't go near the kittens, who of course are just curious and want to be friends. I am actually not sure if she will ever warm up to them.

But how can you not like kittens? They are adorable and cute. They sleep and play and eat and sleep. They have cute little voices when they meow. Seriously, how can your heart not just melt when you see them?

These are the questions to Rajah. I wonder if she will ever get used to them or forgive my mother for bringing them into her life. She has outright refused to accept their existence and has ultimately become the Queen of Denial!

However, I tell my mother to sleep with one eye open at night, because I can just envision Rajah about to slit her throat with her claw...that is something that Rajah would do...I am sure of it! She may not want to acknowledge their existence, but she sure will prove to everyone how unhappy she is...no way to live, Rajah; no way to live.

Take it from someone who knows a thing or two about anger, denial, and the like. Living like that is no way to spend your days. Accept and move on! :)