Givin' the SMACKdown on my SNACKdown!

Thesaurus.com Entry for the word: Diet

Main Entry: diet
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: abstain from food
Synonyms: count calories, eat sparingly, fall off, fast, go without, lose weight, reduce, skinny down, slim, slim down, starve, tighten belt, watch weight
Antonyms: gorge, indulge

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My life ROCKS!!

So, my doctor decided earlier this week that I needed to have a visit with the dietitian since I have to have over 100 grams of protein each day just to replace the protein that is being SUCKED out of me from the wound vac. Not only that, but I need even more to assist my body in producing healthy cells and tissues.

It has proven itself much more difficult than I thought since, as many of you know, I am a CARB lover...true and true...me loves me some carbs! So, it is a pain in the ass to try and eat all this protein.

I have tried protein powder in milkshakes...YUCK. I have tried protein bars...DOUBLE YUCK.

So, after my bitching about how hard this was for me (come on people, I have to bitch about some things) they decided a visit from the dietitian was warranted. So she came; she conquered; and she basically told me everything I already knew.

Except ONE thing....

She told me that it is REALLY important to NOT be "dieting" or trying to lose weight while I am trying to get my wound to heal.

Doth mine ears deceive me?? Did you just say DON'T DIET??

Yippee!! Oh holy hell, there is a God.

Not only THAT, but I get to NOT diet over the holidays!! I am so excited!

Now I know what some of you may be thinking...that this does not give me license to eat everything and anything I want, BUT it does mean that I don't have to be watching my girlish figure over the holidays like I do EVERY year. I won't have to feel guilty when I eat a small piece of pie, or a small handful of chocolates. Nope. I am NOT supposed to deprive my body because apparently it sends the wrong messages (maybe THAT'S what I have been doing wrong all these years).

I have been on a diet or trying to lose weight since I was three years old...after thirty years, one would think I was a pro and should be a size 2. BUT if you looked at me...you would think that I was not at all good at dieting and if it were my day job, I would have been fired years ago. When the dietitian told me that I needed to maintain my current weight and not lose any for the next few months, I actually had her repeat it. My brain couldn't comprehend such lunacy. Actually, I contemplated kissing her, but didn't want to freak her out!

So, no more counting calories. No more eating sparingly or going without. No more starving myself and tightening my belt (not that I wear a belt because my layer of fat over my waist and my fat ass do a great job of keeping my pants securely in place). Nope. I am free of it. Well, at least until my wound heals that is.

Isn't this great??

I am sure you are a little jealous, but hey, if you break your hip and have surgery, go in and out of the hospital and get a bad infection and basically have the rest of your year tied down to doctors, nurses, bandage changes, wound vacs, etc, the you too can NOT diet with me!

Any takers?? :)

Wishing you all good health and humor...and good eats for me!!

The Climb

Hey ya'll. So it has been a short while since I have posted. I am trying to get the gumption to sit and blog, but honestly, I have not been so inclined as of recently to even check my email, let alone blog.

BUT...I decided to remedy that now.

Let's see, what has happened since my last post. Pretty much the same. I am still home from the hospital and still have a wound vac on my hip. I am still limping and having to use crutches to walk. I am still pretty much home bound and don't really do much of anything but crochet more afghans. Nurses are still coming in the home to change my bandages...so NOT much has changed since the last time I posted.

I guess the main reason I am posting tonight is that there is something my nurse said to me the other day when I was visiting the Wound Care Clinic at Deaconess Hospital. She was changing my bandages and I was in a lot of pain. The lidocain was not really working all that great. I, of course, began to cry. Not that I wanted to or that I was upset, but because it was an uncontrollable reaction to the pain. I composed myself as best I could and tried to talk about something else, so that I wouldn't think about the task at hand. My nurse said something to me that made me think. (Shut up...I do THINK sometimes)

She told me that I was an inspiration and that I was amazing of how well I was handling this whole situation with the hip fracture and pinning and then subsequent infection and wound vac. She said a lesser person wouldn't be able to do it.

That made me think. Am I an inspiration to others? Am I handling this as well as I am presenting to others?

I get posts from my friends on facebook all the time telling me that I am strong and amazing for what I have endured over the last few months. I guess it is just something I don't really think about because it is not that I have a choice. I didn't get to choose this and therefore there is no reason to be negative or dwell on the bad parts. I try to just be positive and try and remember that this will make me a stronger person in the long run. At least I hope so.

But all of this does get me down sometimes. I do cry when I am alone in my room. I do get angry and feel like punching something or someone so that they hurt as bad as I do. But then I remind myself about a song I heard.

Now don't laugh...I hate Miley Cyrus so the fact that she sings this song actually bugs me to no end, BUT she didn't write it, so I love it.

It is "The Climb."

The lyrics are great. It basically is about having goals in life and how it doesn't matter IF you reach those goals but HOW you reach them.

Now, I know that this is not a goal...to be sick with RA and having to deal with the broken hip shit etc, BUT in another context the song speaks to me about having obstacles in your life and its not about overcoming them (because many times that is inevitable) but it is about HOW you decide to overcome those obstacles. It's a great message. SO, I have decided to post the lyrics and put a link to a youtube version of the song. The young girl who sings it is MUCH better than Miley Cyrus. I encourage you to listen to the song and read the lyrics. The message is clear.

Wishing you all good health and humor...and a wonderful journey in life!




The Climb lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa


© HOPELESS ROSE MUSIC; VISTAVILLE MUSIC;

Nightmare on "Valley" Street!

What a FREAKIN' Nightmare!!

I was reading my last post, which was posted on Monday September 13th. So much has happened since that day...where to begin?

Well, I guess I will begin with my checkup that I had the following day with my Orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Death...or maybe I should call him Dr. Infection. Needless to say, since at the time my incision from my initial hip surgery had STILL not healed completely at this point, he decided the ONLY way to determine why it was not closing and healing was to go in the operating room and reopen the wound and see what he can see...like the bear who went over the mountain obviously!

And what did he see??

The other side of the mount...oh, sorry.

No, he saw a massive infection which had apparently been brewing for some time. As he put it, "it was just the tip of the iceberg." Gee thanks Doc. Like I didn't know there was something wrong after seven weeks of oozing and weeping from my incision. Doesn't take a rocket scientist...but apparently it takes a stupid Orthopedic surgeon to FINALLY get on board.

SO...after my surgery on that Wednesday, September 15, I was admitted to the hospital. I was back on the Ortho Floor...the 9th floor...and was reunited with all the wonderful nurses and aides that I had from my previous stay at the hospital from the initial pinning surgery. They were so great. I was blessed with great nursing staff...again. So there is one silver lining. (Yes, I am still trying to find the silver linings in this cluster-fuck of a situation).

I had three more surgeries while in the hospital. I was FINALLY released after nine days. I have to admit that although the staff at the hospital is excellent and the food is not that bad either for cafeteria food, but staying in the hospital is NOT so much fun...for that amount of time.

So, the prognosis was to have my wound heal with a wound vac machine, which is essentially a vacuum that is attached to my hip (pardon the pun) and continually sucks out all the fluid from my wound to prevent further infection and promote faster healing.

I don't get it. I mean, its the weirdest damn process and it just seems wrong, but who am I to question the genius of the medical community?

So, I have been home now for a while now and am having the visiting home nurses come to my house every other day to rip open the bandages and pull out the sponge that they had previously stuffed into my gaping hole like last years Thanksgiving turkey. Let me just give you an idea of what exactly we are talking about here. I have a hole...and yes I say hole because there is no pussy footing around the fact: it is what it is. So this hole is basically about five inches long, three inches across, and depending on what end we are talking about, about five inches deep...some spots are perhaps a bit deeper.

It's big. It's a hole. And it is on my leg.

In the very beginning the doctor could put his whole fist inside the cavity. Gross thought, but alas, tis too true! Pretty gnarly, eh?

So now I wait. I wait until this stupid thing decides to heal itself. I wait to see if I can eventually have a life again. They say I may have to have this on for a little while...the wound vac. I am hoping that SOON I get to get rid of it and be free again. Then I can go to the mountain and scream, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank GOD almighty; I am free at last!!" That's not too dramatic, right?

I leave you now with hopes and prayers that no one I know will ever have to undergo what I have in the last few weeks/months. It is not that I am blubbering "poor me" but I am proud of myself for how I have been handling the situation. It is not easy, but hey, it is my life!

Wishing you all good health and humor! :)

Extra, extra....read all about it!

It's two AM and I cannot sleep. Things had been going pretty well with the recovery of my hip but I have so much on my mind as of late, that it seems to be impeding my sleep. Surprise, surprise!

An update on the hip: my incision is still not completely closed and has started draining AGAIN. I swear that this is never going to stop. I also swear that I officially bleed yellow and not red like most humans. This yellow substance seems to be coming out of me in full force...and it has been over six weeks since my surgery. So I called the on-call doctor this weekend, who just happened to be my doctor, and he put me back on the antibiotics and I have to go back in on Tuesday. I am getting really irritated at this point. He also said that I should not be still draining and the wound should have healed by now, so he may have to go back into the operating room and open me up AGAIN to see what the problem is. Whatever. I am so done with this whole hip thing. It is getting old real quick.

As for what else is going on in my life? A whole lot of nothing.

I guess that isn't entirely true. I have been crocheting afghans like crazy...it keeps me busy. Also I have been walking around much more and have even left the house a few times that WERE NOT medically related. WOO-HOO!! I shouldn't make fun...it is progress. I feel like I have completely lost a whole summer, although I didn't get my surgery until later in July. It just seems like I have been housebound for so long, that before I know it, the holidays will be here and a new year.

I guess the upside to all of this is that I am in considerably much less pain than I have ever been in a long time. I am thinking maybe that the hip pain that I had been dealing with for the last year greatly impacted my RA as well, because recently, I feel great! So there is a silver lining, right? I am trying to stay positive and being in less pain on a day to day basis helps me to do that. I don't get bogged down with the anger, sadness, and overall depression of it all.

Well, I guess I have about covered most of the updates. I will try to start posting again more regularly. This is therapeutic for me.

Wishing you all great health and humor!

Can't read my...can't read my Poker Face!

It is funny. I am not sure why, but for some reason, I am under the impression that I can hide how I feel from people. As if I am not an open book when it comes to my physical and emotional pain. Obviously, since I am writing about this, that is NOT the case, but I think it is still humorous that I try and hide how I am really feeling.

Why do we do that?

Why is it bad to respond to questions like: how are you feeling? or how are you?

What is wrong with me that I think the people that care about me can't handle the truth?

Perhaps it is not that I don't think they can handle it, but maybe it is because sometimes I want to spare them "feeling bad" for me if I were honest. Also, sometimes I think they are just asking, not for the truth, but just to show concern and that they care about me.

My father asks me every morning how I am feeling. Some days I lie and say fine. Others I say okay. (Mornings are not that great for me all around) But he knows I am lying and he can tell every time. It is kind of infuriating. I wish sometimes that I could hide how I feel around him but I guess after being my dad for the last 33 years, he has learned to read me.

So I guess my poker face is not so great. Guess my dreams of becoming a high stakes poker player are out!! It is good that he can read me that well and that he still asks me, everyday, even when he knows I am lying to him...he still asks me. He is an awesome guy and a great dad. I am so thankful for him and my mother, I cannot even begin to express it. I am fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life.

Anyways, just some thoughts...

Wishing you all good humor and good health!

Oh, the hypocracy of the Hippocratic Oath!

Today I had yet another doctor's appointment with my Orthopedic Surgeon. Well, actually, it was with his Physician's Assistant (PA), who is a really nice guy, highly knowledgeable and pretty empathetic...all good qualities for those who are in health care.

Anyways, I arrived right on time, 10:30 am, as I like to be punctual (it is a control thing). My father was the lucky soul who got to drive me to the appointment, as my mother was feeling a little under the weather. He is not the most patient man, and quite honestly, not my first choice to take me anywhere where waiting is required. The man has ZERO patience. So I checked in and took my seat.

A HALF AN HOUR LATER...I hobbled up to the front desk to ask, as politely as possible considering I was in a little pain and the chairs in the waiting room were not all that comfy, when they thought I might be taken back to see the doctor as I had been waiting for over a half hour.

The "snippy" girl behind the glass, who was obviously not enjoying her job that day, tells me that I am next, but that my appointment was not until 11:00 am and therefore, I should be going back momentarily. I corrected her that my appointment was at 10:30. A little argument ensued and finally, I walked back to my chair, a little more irritated and wanting to walk out. Apparently, my appointment was written on my reminder card for 10:30 but put in the system for 11:00. This mistake apparently does not warrant an apology. Okay, whatever.

ANOTHER HALF HOUR LATER...my Dad walks up to "chat" with the snippy girl behind the counter. Well, let's just say, that it is not the smartest thing to do to get attitude with my father. A another little argument ensued where the girl informed my father that they were extremely busy this morning and had already seen 173 patients alone. My father's reply? "Perhaps you shouldn't schedule so many appointments if you don't have adequate time to spend with them. Just a thought." She didn't like my Dad or his suggestions...I could see it in the daggers she shot at him as he walked back to the chairs. I couldn't contain myself...I had to laugh. She assured my father that I was next in line.

TEN MINUTES LATER...my name was called. I jumped up and hobbled my way back behind the desk and followed the nurse to my little room. She asked how I was doing. "Honestly? I am a little irritated. I have been waiting for over an hour out there!" I explained what happened and she, like Miss Snippy upfront, told me that my appointment was at 11:00. I was not about to argue with another dimwit so I just shut up and followed her to my room. She told me to have a seat and the PA would be in shortly. He came in, was in my room for a total of three minutes, left and told me that everything looked great and we were right on track.

THAT'S IT?!?!

I wasted over an hour of my life (more like two hours if you include travel time to and from the doctor's office) for a three minute session with the PA (not even the actual surgeon) so that he could tell me that everything looked good and that he didn't need to see me unless something changes? EXCUSE ME?? WTF?? Why could he have not just asked me a few questions over the phone and made that determination??

So this leaves me to my question...should I send a bill to the doctor's office for my time? Don't you think that it is ridiculous that a doctor can post a sign that states "If you are ten minutes late to your appointment, you will have to be rescheduled", but yet they can make me wait for over an hour and barley apologize? I think that they think their time is more valuable than mine...and I AM PAYING THEM!!!

Here is a thought...the Hippocratic Oath, that all doctors take upon graduation of medical school, states that they will "do no harm." Well as far as I am concerned, I was harmed today with disrespect and rudeness.

It is stupid. It is frustrating. It is something that I guess we all have to deal with, because it will never change. I just think there should be some type of incentive for those who are on time or even early to their appointments, AND there should be some reimbursement for the time wasted on MY dime! It just seems like there should be a specific etiquette for doctors...kinda like the Hippocratic Oath, maybe they should have an oath to make sure that they treat us with the same respect we give them. They are NOT better than us and their time is NOT more valuable than mine. Just a thought.

Well, I will quit bitching...I know this post is angry and a bit negative, but I am not in a great mood. So irritating.

Wishing you all good health and humor...hopefully more of a sense of humor than I had today!!

I'm Baaaaack!

One month has lapsed since my last post. The last you had heard was I went for an MRI, which turned out to be a nightmare in itself, and well, let's just say that all hell broke loose after that.

I got a call the day following the MRI from my friendly Rheumatologist, Dr. Wu, informing me that I had a "non displaced femoral neck fracture" on my right hip. Yep...it was broken! According to the doctors after taking a thorough history, I had apparently been walking around on a broken hip for eight months to a year. Having Rheumatoid Arthritis I am in chronic daily pain, so I had no idea that this pain was anything to be alarmed about. I mean, come on, I am in pain all the time anyways, how was I supposed to know it was broken?

So she sent me to an Orthopedic surgeon the following day, which was a Friday and one day prior to my Happy Birthday party. My orthopedic surgeon is not the most desirable man and has a fairly odd bedside manner, however, seemed sufficiently qualified for the job. He immediately scheduled me for surgery the following Monday afternoon. They needed to put three large pins in my hip to secure the neck of my femur so that it didn't move and would have better time and support to heal. He said I would be in the hospital for a few days and by week two, I should be feeling almost no pain. I was jacked! No pain in my hip was something I have not experienced in a LONG time.



So that weekend, I had my BBQ, played with my friends and family and enjoyed my 33rd birthday overall. I was treated like a princess as everyone waited on my hand and foot. I kept telling them that I didn't need that, since I had been walking on it for the last year, what was one more day or two gonna do? They didn't seem to share my humor!

Monday came and I had the surgery...stayed in the hospital for three days...came home...and now we are three and a half weeks post op! It has been one hell of a three weeks. I have had some complications, I have visited the Emergency Room three times, been readmitted to the hospital for two days, and now have an infection in my incision. The pain has been pretty awful and I have still had to remain quite dependent upon my pain medication, but I am feeling like a ROCK STAR today, which is the reason of course that you are reading this. I have barely moved from bed for three weeks and between the haze of the drugs and the unbearable pain, I have not done much.

Having surgery is never a fun thing to do. I am not sure that I ever want to go through this again, but all I can say is that the only reason I have made it this far is because of my wonderful parents. They have been amazing through this whole thing. They are attentive and caring, and they truly care about how I am feeling and do their damnedest to make sure that I have everything I need. They cook for me, change my sheets, do my laundry, everything except wipe my ass! (Thank God, I can wipe my own behind and shower on my own) They are truly wonderful people and I cannot imagine having better parents or a support system in my life at a time like this. I will never be able to repay them for what they have done for me, but I will spend the rest of my life trying! I am blessed!

Well, I am off to go lay down for a spell...something I do quite often. I cannot wait for the days when I can :drive again, shop again, and cook and clean for myself again. I know it sounds ridiculous but it is something that an independent person such as myself has a problem letting go of. I look forward to the day I get my life back...and fortunately it is coming soon...very very soon!

Wishing you all good health and humor!