Because this blog is titled "Living With Rheumatoid Arthritis," from time to time, I do have to address some issues with this disease. Therefore there are a few topics I wanted to cover today.
First and foremost, I am home from the hospital. Yep folks, you heard me, HOME. I was admitted to the hospital last Thursday because I had uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. I was severely dehydrated to the point that I was unable to hobble (with the assistance of my crutches) 20 feet from the front room of the house to the car, for my family to take me to the emergency room. I therefore was honored with the presence of the local fire department and paramedics who took me to the hospital via ambulance.
It was so unbelievably fun. Not.
I was really sick this last week. I have never in my life experienced that level of illness. I really truly knew something was seriously wrong. I was in critical condition from Thursday until Saturday evening when they downgraded me. The official diagnosis (as I will not inflict the gory details upon you of what really transpired during my stay) was C-Dif, Septic Shock, and Salmonella Poisoning. I guess one could say that I was near death when I arrived at the ER. You know how people always over exaggerate when they talk about being sick..."I was so sick, I thought I was going to die!" Well, I really DID think I was going to die, at least I did as I drifted in a out of consciousness. The whole experience is one that I wish to never repeat.
There are some funny anecdotes that I could tell you though, but those are for another time. They are not the point of this post. I am getting there...do not fear.
I also wanted to impart some personal history about me. Growing up I had two best friends in grade school. I lost one of my best friends when I was 14 years old. She was killed in an accidental shooting and it changed and altered my life so many ways. I struggled with her loss for several years. When I was 18 my other best friend was in a horrific car accident and was almost killed but escaped death only to become a paraplegic. For 10 years she lived from the confines of a wheelchair but she went on to go to college and get a degree in teaching. She was never able to use that degree however. She died less than 10 years later due to complications of the injuries she sustained in the accident.
How does this all connect?? Hang on, I am still getting there.
Once I returned home I was on Facebook, checking all the messages and emails I had from my wonderful friends and family, who were all concerned, and I came across a post from one of the Bloggers out there who I follow (The Single Gal's Guide to Rheumatoid Arthritis). She had posted a comment about a death of a fellow blogger called RA Superbitch.
Superbitch wrote an edgy and what I would consider REAL account of what happens to people when they have RA. She talked about the awful nasty things people say to you, when they think they are being helpful but they are actually being hurtful. She wrote about the difficulties of coming to terms with being in your thirties and highly educated only to find yourself becoming a disabled citizen, and all that entails. She bitches about the nasty and frustrating daily shit that we, those who are inflicted with this devil disease, have to deal with on a daily basis, all the while "keeping a stiff upper lip" and with a smile on our faces, no matter how much we want to crawl under the covers and shut out the entire world.
RA Superbitch was my alter-ego and soul-mate because I swear, she was me. I learned through her blog that I am not alone with many of the negative thoughts and feelings that we are not supposed to have or feel. She verbalized my anger, my frustrations, and a little of my sense of humor. She was amazingly brave and brazen. I respected her and I wished I could have had her courage to be so honest.
And now she is gone. All because of this Goddamned disease.
I do not know the specifics of how she died exactly, but if you read her blog, you would know that she had been recently having many (too many to count really) complications with her rheumatoid arthritis. She was really struggling and it looks like she lost her battle. She was married and had a small son. She used to be a professor at a local college. She used to be surrounded by friends and family and she had a wonderful life. And it is all gone because of RA.
So what is the point?
The point I am trying to make is this: all of this made me think, a dangerous activity I know, but this is what I came up with:
What if it had been me?
What if I were that blogger people were talking about who had lost her battle with RA and left this world WAY before her time?
What if I was the one who was being buried this week?
I know this seems morbid, but there are just too many similarities here for me not to notice the coincidence. It is kind of scary to think that I may have been the one who had died due to complications.
What this all boils down to is this: life is precious. We never know when we are going to leave this world. We have no control of how long or short our lives will be. We are simply along for the ride, and when it's over, it's over. I know that must seem so cliche but it is the truth. I lost my two childhood friends, RA Superbitch died at the early age of 39, basically, we never will know when it is our time, except when the chariot has arrived and our soul is leaving us. And it seems so unfair.
Things like this really make me start to question my beliefs. My belief in God, my belief in heaven and hell. Everything comes into question. But the biggest question is why? What is the point? Why do some people die WAY before their time? How is that fair? I can honestly tell you that I do not have the answers. These are questions I have grappled with for years now, and I still don't know the answers.
All I have is my faith.
I have faith that there IS a God, and that He isn't actually a sadistic prick that I sometimes think he can be. I have faith that I will one day get answers to all my questions and it will satisfy me. I have faith that when I meet my Maker that I will be able to be worthy of Him and his blessings. It is hard though.
I struggle on a daily basis, especially on my bad days when I am in so much pain, that I want is for it all to just be over. I struggle with the question: what did I ever do to deserve this?? Why are there bad people out there who get by scot free with no death, disease, or destruction in their lives and someone like me, who has led a fairly good, honest life has to deal with so much? WHY???
All I know is I believe. I may have no proof that there is a God or not. But I talk to him all the same. I still ask him for courage and strength. I still ask him for guidance and enlightenment. I am not sure if he hears me, but I still talk. I still ask. I still believe.
I guess when the bad things in life happen, that is really all we can do. So here's to you RA Superbitch! You leave a significant void in this world, and I will try my damnedest to help fill it. I will, in your memory, carry on with your brashness and honesty to help educate the world about the daily dealings of being a rheumatoid arthritis sufferer. Thanks RA Superbitch; I am honored to call myself as such. I did, after all, learn from the biggest bitch of them all!
Wishing you all a happy and healthy day!
