I'm much too young to feel this damn old!

So home from the infamous 15 year reunion for my high school graduating class of 1995. It was a small but fierce gathering of my fellow classmates. Seeing people from your past always reminds you of times gone by. Times that were simpler and filled with optimistic longings and youth. Well, seeing my classmates after this weekend, I see that those days are LONG behind us!

Lord we are gettin' OLD!!

It was actually kinda funny how many of the conversations were focused around our current lives and being in our thirties. Many of us realize that we are, to put it in the simplest terms, getting old!

I must have heard from over half how they have to be in bed before 10 pm and can't eat anything after a eight. Many of them are talking about the new house they bought and all the remodeling projects they are doing. They talked about their kids and the funny things they say and do. All of this made for great conversation, but it is so opposite of what we used to bond over so many years ago.

We used to be connected by simple things like music, food, beer, history class, and boys/girls. Our lives revolved around things that at the time, mattered so much, but in retrospect, mattered none. I guess that is all apart of aging. I just never realized that it would be happening now.

We are only in our early 30's! It seems unfair. So many of us were like kids again last weekend: drinking way more than we should have, staying up until the sun rose from the mountains, and doing inappropriate things. It made me wonder just how many of us are finally recovered from the weekend. It is Tuesday and I still feel like crap. I need a nap. I need to go back and NOT drink that last drink. I want to go back and NOT have stayed up talking with all of my classmates until 7:30 in the morning. But most of all, I want to go back and NOT have seen one of my classmate's ass three times, like I did that night. I won't explain further, but lets just say that I will never again be able to eat a croissant again without thinking of his ass!!

I guess you could say that time gets away from us and we all age. But I still feel like a kid inside my head, especially when I see my old friends from my childhood. The sad sorry truth of the matter is that unfortunately my body thinks otherwise. It isn't fair really. I have a constant battle now between my brain and my body. I guess I know who won.

It is basically the same with my RA. I struggle with the mental fact that I am young and vibrant, but then I try and swing my legs off the bed and am so stiff that I can't move without great effort or even a pain pill. It is a constant battle. I wish that our brains and bodies aged at the same pace...so then we wouldn't all feel so conflicted all the time. I have to admit though, it was nice to see that many of my fellow classmates can understand for an instant a little bit of how it feels like to have RA. You just don't want to admit your limitations, and you just can't get past the treasonous rebellion that your body wages against you everyday. This is what RA feels like. It isn't all there is to it, but it gives a glimpse of my daily battle.

Basically, we are all waging war against time. Time we can never get back. Time we should cherish. It's not about feeling old...it's about remembering that we are still young, but maybe with just a few more limitations than before.

But as Garth Brooks said, "Lord, I'm much too young to feel this damn old!" Ain't that the truth Garth, Ain't that the truth!!

God bless and hope all you kids at heart out there remember to always try and win the battle!

Reunions, Reminiscing, and RA

Reunions. The word itself implies absence, longing, and separation. None of those things are very positive, right? Well then, why should I be positive about going to my 15 year class reunion this weekend? That's the thing...I'm not.

I don't know why either. I was happy in high school. Well, as happy as any teenager could be, I suppose. But what I really mean is that I can honestly say that I enjoyed my four years of high school. I was a good student academically, I had many friends from all varieties and cliques, and I was active in student activities, both academically and socially.

Feeling rather nostalgic, looking back I remember people coming to my locker on Friday's asking me where the party was going to be. Yes, I was a "partier." I drank most of the football team under the table and I was damn proud of it at the time. I know that is nothing to put on a resume, but I am not going to lie about my past and pretend that I was not who I was. I was never in to drugs, just alcohol. Sweet, liquid gold of Miller Genuine Draft was my poison. Whenever there was a beer run there was always a separate order for me and my MGD.

That wasn't my only quirk either. I was known for several things back during my high school party days. I could most likely be found in a bathtub, fully clothed with no water, sleeping or passed out. On several occasions, I was the designated "Mom" of the group meaning that I was the one who would take care of the dumbasses who couldn't hold their alcohol or their hair back when vomiting. I was the one who taught most of my friends drinking games like 3Man, Drunk Driver, President's and Assholes, and Thunder (to name a few)! I was generally the one who helped plan the party and I was generally the one who cleaned up afterwards too. It was just apart of who I was.

Today, I guess you could say I am not THAT much different. Well, my nights of sleeping off a drunk in a random bathtub has changed and I don't play drinking games anymore. But I do still love to plan parties and am pretty responsible when it comes to making sure people are safe and having a good time. Since the RA diagnosis I don't drink as much anymore. Actually, i couldn't drink at all for two years because of the Methotrexate injection that I took every Sunday. That was difficult to get used to, but alas, I was able to permanently plant my ass on the wagon.

I think looking back at high school that it was the springboard to who I have become as an adult. I actually have remained close friends with several of my classmates, which is no small feat. Think about it...how many of your high school friends are you still in contact with? Not many, I am sure. I know that I am an anomaly when it comes to this but I work really hard to keep these friendships. I have known most of these people since I was five years old. It takes a lot to continue the relationship, but it is important to me. They are important to me. Especially since I got sick.

My friends from my past have been there for me unconditionally. Sure there are some of the relationships straining (which I don't blame them in the least...dealing with RA is not fun or easy) but overall, my friends are the best friends and confidants that anyone could ever hope for.

So I find myself a little irritated as I write this, as I am having a bit of a flare right now and trying my damnedest to feel better enough to make the trip this weekend. Its not like I haven't seen all the people who I most want to see, because I go home to Montana whenever I can to visit, but getting all the "old" clan back together all under one roof with others from my past, is something that shouldn't be missed.

I say that, and really do believe that. So then why am I dreading going to this reunion?

Simple. I hurt. I am dealing with the RA on a 24/7 basis, and I would love to just go back in time. Back to when things were more simple. Back when all I had to worry about was who was going to buy my MGD and which drinking game I was going to kick ass on that night. Wouldn't that be nice. If only.

So instead, I get my self mentally and hopefully physically prepared for the weekend. Lets just hope that I can make it there...back to the past...and away from my future!! So here's to you Class of 1995!

Wishing you all good humor and health!

Its the end of the world as we know it...

Having a chronic disease that will forever affect your life and those who are in your life can be challenging to say the least. One of the hardest lessons I learned when I got sick was that people are sometimes not who you thought they were and many times when the going gets rough...many of those who you thought would be there for you run in the opposite direction. It sucks, but alas, it is just how the game is played.

That said, I had the most interesting day yesterday. I got not only one, but three emails from three separate people in my past whom I have been estranged over the last few years, contacting me to try and mend the bridges and try and resolve the issues of the past.

So I am thinking one of two things...A)the end of the world as we know it is upon us and people are tying up lose ends before judgement day (this is not that far fetched considering the news the other night of the flash flooding in Oklahoma and the bright RED waters that looked like blood - the book of Revelation discusses this as a sign of the apocalypse...just sayin')...or B)sometimes people just need time to realize that they were wrong and they eventually come around.

I would love to think that is the case with the latter, but I guess I am jaded and a bit too much of a cynic to think that people can change that much for the better. Am I wrong? Do you think that people can truly change?

I tend to lean towards the explanation of the end of the world, but then that would be truly sad because I haven't fulfilled many of my lifelong dreams of traveling abroad, having a family, etc.

Of course, that would be my luck.

Just some thoughts for the day....would love to know what others think about change because I hope that I am wrong about my predictions.

Wishing you good health and humor!