Itty-Bitty Living Space...

So I am going in for my very first MRI tomorrow morning. All I can think of in my head is Robin Williams voice as the Genie in "Aladdin" describing how he lives in a bottle..."Itty-Bitty living space!" Needless to say, I am not very excited. You know how people say they are claustrophobic but really they are just a little uncomfortable in small spaces, and then there are those who really mean it?? Well I am the latter.

I AM PETRIFIED OF SMALL ENCLOSED SPACES!!

It is not a joke. It is not just some little quirk that is supposed to be cute or even eccentric. No, my friends, I am deathly afraid of small or tight spaces. Even elevators and ESPECIALLY if there are several people all crammed into one elevator.

This reminds me of the time I went to the Empire State Building with my sister back in 1997. We had paid our admission to the top and waited patiently in line with several other people who were all just as anxious to experience this iconic fanfare that is known around the world. We giggled with anticipation and smiled as they began to load people on the elevator to go up the 86 floors to the observatory deck.

I watched as the man herded the visitors of all shapes and sizes into the square cube that would pulley us to the top. More and more, he pushed into the small cube as people awkwardly moved to make room for more people. I felt the hair on the back of my neck begin to rise. We were coming closer and closer to the man. Please, God, I hope we get the next ride up. I can't get on there with all these people.

As we moved through the velvet roped line, we arrived next in line. The man ushered us into the elevator, the last to be put aboard. I tried to find my voice to object, as the doors closed within an inch of my face. Slowly the elevator chugged into motion and we were off.

Long story short...by the time we reached the top, I barreled out of that elevator like the boogieman was on my tail and hauled ass across the room to try and catch my breath. I was drenched with sweat and anxiety. Let's just say, that I didn't enjoy my time at the observation deck, as it took several minutes to try and calm myself from the panic attack that ensued after that horrific elevator ride.

I told my sister that I refused to get back into that elevator and that I would walk down the stairs. Well, needless to say, she wouldn't let me, nor would the man who worked there, and advised me against it as well.

So going to get an MRI where they strap you down to a board and push you into a tube that is no where near a suitable size, and expect me to be calm?? I think not!

My doctor said she ordered an Ativan to calm me down 30 minutes before my appointment. Let's hope that it works. Because I don't think I can escape the itty-bitty tube like I did the elevator...but I am fairly resourceful. I may be able to figure it out!!

Wishing you all good humor and health!

Learn Something New Everyday!

I learned a new word the other day: Avascular Necrosis.

My Rheumatologist, Dr. Wu, saw me the other day. First off, I should tell you that she was none too pleased with me. She actually scolded me. So not nice. I mean, I know I was wrong, but come on...don't kick me when I am down!

Wait, perhaps I should tell you what is going on. So my hip is STILL bothering me, and it has only become worse. I was getting to the point where I couldn't put any pressure on it, and therefore out came the crutches. I have been on them for over a week. I knew I had a doctors appointment coming up, so I didn't call my Rheumy to inform her of the excruciating pain I was in...I figured we could discuss it when I got there later in the week.

Well, that was apparently where I went wrong.

She told me that the pain in my hip is not a normal RA pain like I have with flares. It is most likely caused by avascular necrosis, or bone death. Yep, I said bone DEATH.

Avascula necrosis is bone death caused by poor blood supply to the area. It is most common in the hip and shoulder. Mine is my right hip. I asked her what caused it. She replied most likely the prednisone I have been on for the last three years. Great!!

I then asked her how they treat it. She replied that a total hip replacement is the only real treatment, but I need an XRay and an MRI to confirm. I think this is when I started to swallow my tongue. There are no other options?? Well, apparently we need to determine how far progressed the bone has died and decomposed on itself to determine the course of treatment. They can inject it with a steroid if I am still in the early stages (fingers and toes crossed for this option) or possibly do a bone graft to the area to promote the bone to regrow and begin living again.

But I will be on crutches for at least the next six weeks she informed me, because she wants me to stay off of it. GREAT!! There went my summer.

I cried all the way home from the doctor's office, but now I am at the point of laughing about it. I mean, what else could possibly go wrong? I know I shouldn't ask that, because there are LOTS of things that could be worse, but you know what I mean. COME ON!! REALLY??

Oh well. I guess so I wait to see what happens. I go for my MRI on Monday. Then once those results are back, we will know more. So I will not freak out until then.

So wishing you all good health and humor!!

The Science of Sleep

Sleep. Something that we all need. Something that we all cannot live without. Something that happens in the nighttime (for most people that is). Something that apparently, my body doesn't remember how to do properly.

Last night was the fourth night in a row that I was not been able to sleep through the night. I wake anywhere from two AM to four thirty AM...wide awake and raring to go.

WTF? What is wrong with this picture?

Perhaps it is because I have been much more active over the last week with the remodel of my bedroom. Perhaps it is because the weather fairies have turned up the temperature knob to Uber-hot. Perhaps there is something going on with my RA. All I know for sure, is that I cannot sleep when I should be. It is getting pretty frustrating.

Lack of sleep makes me irritable. Lack of sleep makes me feel achy and sore. But most of all, lack of sleep makes me fat. Yep. I said it: fat. How does the lack of sleep make one fat you may be asking yourself? Well let me tell you. When I am not sleeping, I want to eat. I don't know why; it just happens. I found myself up this morning at four thirty AM and shoving my face with a strawberry Pop-Tart. Was I hungry? No. Did I need a Pop-Tart? No. That is why sleeping disorders cause people to gain weight. It is a proven fact. Look it up if you don't believe me.

I get anxious when I can't sleep because I think that I am going to go through another bout of insomnia. About two years ago, I suffered from the worst insomnia that I have ever experienced. I couldn't sleep for more than two hours at a time and was up all hours of the night. It was awful. I prayed for sleep. I wished for sleep. Hell, I even bargained for sleep with whatever God, saint, or spiritual being out there would listen to me. Nothing worked.

What did I do when I couldn't sleep? I baked. I baked cookies. I baked cakes. I baked a pie too. The problem was, that I was also eating most of these baked goods. Not so great for the waistline if you know what I mean. When it finally got back to normal, I never wanted to bake anything ever again. Actually, now that I think about it, with the exception of some Christmas cookies last year, I really haven't baked much since then. Oh, the injustice!! All because I couldn't sleep.

So tonight I will go to bed, a bit anxious and overtired, awaiting for the alarm clock to read an insane number, only hoping and wishing that it won't arrive before six AM.

Right. Like that is going to happen! We shall see though.

Wishing you all good health and humor...and a good night's sleep!!

Oh My Holy Hell!

I was awakened (wait, is that right? awakened? Or should it be woken? Shit, I don't know; all I know is I shot out of bed from a dead sleep) last night by a piercing and excruciating pain in my calf muscle! As I leaned over to grab the back of my leg and quickly began to flex my foot, the pain moved to the front of my shin. So I flex my foot in another direction to ease the front leg pain and the back burns now with more force than ever. I stare at my foot which is by this point moving on its own as it kinks to the left and begins pulling upward. I had no control over my foot or leg by this point and all I can do is frantically try and make the pain stop, by rubbing my legs on the front and back. Here I am rolling around in the blankets, breaking out into a sweat from the pain, and trying not to scream, as my leg rages war against my body.

I thought I was going to die!

I have had Charlie Horses before. And I have had Shin Splints before. But I have NEVER had both at the same time. All I can do is laugh now about what a sight it must have been to witness such an absurd dramatic show, but I tell you what, I never want that to happen again.

Having RA, you learn to deal with pain. Pretty much, you are in pain of some sort on a daily basis. I like to think of it in the terms that the hospitals give with the stupid smiley and sad faces. Level one is a smiley face with little or no pain. Level ten is a sobbing out of control pained circle man, that is in the most amount of pain possible.

If only it were that easy to determine.

There are days when I am at a level seven. But most are a level three. I think a good day where I don't have to take the narcotics for my pain, I am comfortable at a level three. That's right, I said comfortable at a level three. I know that seems strange when I should be saying that I am comfortable with NO pain, but that is one of the things about having RA; you will pretty much always be in pain. It is just a matter of dealing with it and coping with the roller-coaster ride that which is your daily pain management.

Managing the pain is something that we RA sufferers deal with. Which is why it would seem strange that I am making such a fuss over lasts night's events. But last night was an exception. I have never in all my life been taken aback and literally breathless by the sharp stabbing pain that I experienced last night. At least with the RA, I start feeling bad and the pain progresses from one level to the next. But not last night. I was sleeping peacefully and then was struck instantly with the pain. I wasn't prepared. I wasn't ready to manage that.

So tonight, I go to bed ready and waiting. I have my pain medication on my night stand next to a bottle of muscle rub (that smells like Mentholatum but does ease muscle tension), and my handy dandy massage bug. It is a little handheld massager that to me looks like a bug or a four legged spider.

The Charlie Horse and Shin Splints will be no match for Mister Bug Massager!

That's all for now. I will let you all know if they come back. I know you will be waiting anxiously with bated breath! Lord knows I will be!

Wishing you all good health and humor!

Duuhhhh-uunnnnn!

Well almost done. Just to check in. I have successfully painted the walls and the trim. I have put together all the shelves and desk...or should I say that my father did that part. He is still handy to have around even at 72! I just now have a bit of clean up, need to go to the storage facility to pick up all the goodies I have been collecting for the new room over the last few months, and make the headboard. Shit. That is still a lot of work. Oh, well. It is getting there...that's all I can say.

I do have to say that I have been doing a fairly good job about trying to not overdue myself. I have been taking regular breaks and having my parents help me here and there, which is not an easy thing for me to do. I used to be able to do so much of this on my own before. Before RA, that is.

Stupid RA.

Why couldn't I have a cool disease like...um, wait. Are there any cool diseases out there?

Well, needless to say, I am almost done and I will let you all know how it turns out!!

Later gaters!

I See a Peach Wall and I Want to Paint it Black...er, gray

So I am going to attempt to paint my room this morning. I know, I know. Probably not the best idea of an activity for me considering how I have been feeling these last few weeks, but today is the second day where I am actually not in pain and I can walk somewhat normally. So in true form, I take my "good days" and run with them. I am sure I will overdue, like I usually do, but I am going to try and be careful.

That's the stupid thing about RA and me. I never seem to find the right balance. It is hard, especially when you are feeling like dried dog shit most days and when you get a day where you feel somewhat normal, you want to do and accomplish everything you have been putting off since you started feeling like said dog shit.

You would think that I would learn.

After several weeks of deliberation on a color palate, however, I have finally purchased the paint for my room and am going to attempt to get it on the wall. It is strange that I have lived in this 12 by 10 room for two years now; all of my personal belongings in a storage facility down the road. The walls are a nineteen nineties putrid peach color; something that I am admittedly highly opposed to. I have settled on a shade of gray that will match my new bedding I bought at Target. I have no idea what it will look like, but all I know is that I don't want to look at my walls anymore with that disgusting peach shit all over them.

So wish me luck. I will try and post the results, as I am sure there are those of you just perched on the edge of your seats in wild anticipation! Not!

Wishing you all good health and humor!!