Long Time Gone....

This is the third draft of this post as it seems I can't get it quite right. I realized that I have not posted since mid June. Why, you may be asking yourself? Basically I have not been doing well (physically or mentally) and each attempt at a new post was wrought with dark and negative postulations. That is not only highly unproductive, but also quite boring and somewhat annoying.

There is, however, a reason. Perhaps not a good reason, mind you, but a reason none the less and it is called Rheumatoid Arthritis and the hell that I call my life.

You see, as of late, (since I was released from the hospital at the beginning of June) I have had some serious stomach issues which I thought were due to the salmonella poisoning that I had, but alas, I was wrong (again). I actually don't know what is causing my gastric issues, but in a nut shell, I cannot eat and when I do, I do not eat much, which has resulted in a 40 pound weight loss.

Now that would seem like a good thing, right?

Wrong.

Even though I always welcome a little weight loss, losing that amount of weight in such a short amount of time can be very disconcerting. I know it is mostly contributed to the fact that I seem to be incapable of eating and am basically starving myself. No matter how unintentional it may be, the fact remains that my body had gone into starvation mode. Bad. Very bad.

I have gone to my doctor to discuss my concerns and she thinks that it is the long-term antibiotics I have been taking for my broken hip nightmare that I have been dealing with for over a year. Yes, my friends, I am not exaggerating that fact, it has been over a year since my initial hip pinning surgery and I am no better today than I was then. Actually, one could argue that I am fairing far worse than before my surgery.

Allow me to explain.

Before this nightmare started, Yes, I was in pain, but still able to walk (er, well limp). I was still able to drive (for the most part), and still able to have a social life. Today, however, I cannot drive. I cannot leave my home unless someone drives me. I am on crutches and cannot walk on my leg. I have a hole in my leg where my incision was and because of a post-op infection, it is still the size of a silver dollar nine months after it was created! I guess I should be grateful because it was once the size of a large grapefruit and a male nurse was able to put his fist inside my right thigh. Oh and by the by, as I sit and wait for my wound to heal, so they can go back in and give me a total hip replacement and essentially start from square one, I am missing out on life! Fun stuff.

I guess I should not complain. I mean, I understand that my situation could be much worse. I could be permanently disfigured or have lost a limb. Or even perhaps be dead. I get it! But I can't help but get irritated when thing after thing continues to go wrong. I just can't catch a break. (No pun intended!) Seriously though, sometimes I feel like I am "pissing against the wind" as my grandmother used to say when something was futile.

For the most part, I essentially try and keep a positive attitude and sense of humor, but I fear both are fading faster than a sailor's tattoo! My family especially has noticed the change in my overall attitude and disposition; not quite as saucy and sweet! I apologize and feel guilty and hope that one day soon I will wake from this nightmare and I can go back to MY so called life. Take THAT, Claire Danes!

So alas, as I sit here in my recliner (the only chair in the house that does not make my ass ache) and type this posting for the third time, I hope that you are still reading because there is one truly important point that I wish you to take away from all of this: remember that every day is a gift. It doesn't matter if sometimes it doesn't fit the way in which you would like. It matters none that you may want to return it. All that truly matters is that no matter how shitty your life is, you have to believe that it will one day get better. Maybe tomorrow or maybe six months from now, but you have to believe that it will eventually get better.

I promise to try and keep up with my posting. Also, I will try and change my overall tone and attitude so it doesn't appear that I am using this as a pulpit for my personal bitch-fest. I will attempt this...I promise. Therefore, I leave you now with the wise words of one George Micheal...."I gotta have Faith, Faith, Faith!"

Wishing you all good health, humor, and of course....faith!