Last night, as I was readying myself for my pending weekend in Seattle for a much needed girls weekend, I furiously began cleaning my room. What started out simply as a manhunt for all my dirty laundry turned into a spring cleaning of epic proportions.
By the third hour into it, and not much really accomplished besides a few loads of laundry washed and dried, I had successfully moved my bed from one side of the room to the other, dragged all my shoes and clothes from the closet, sorted several piles of winter clothes, spring/summer clothes, donation clothes, purses, old makeup, books I have read and still yet to read and spread them all over my room and the outside hallway. It was nearing bedtime, I was exhausted and in much need of a shower, and I hadn't really done much other than create a much larger mess than when I started.
Why is it that good intentions always go awry?
So, with only a little strength left in me, and American Idol almost over playing in the background as I cleaned, I hurried myself through putting things back into the closet, making my bed (as I had stripped the linens), finished up my laundry, and rushed into the bathroom to shower all the dust, dirt, and sweat that I had managed to encrust myself with during my cleaning frenzy.
I stood in the shower allowing the massaging pulses of the water to beat against my skin when things got a little blurry. I had to sit down. I quickly rinsed myself off and got out of the shower. I was lightheaded and things were beginning to really hurt. I was already in a little pain from earlier in the day as the weather front had moved in and it always makes for an achy breaky day.
I slowly walked into my bedroom and collapsed onto my bed and began to cry. I am not sure what prompted this sudden burst of emotion. It could be the fact that I am going to start my period next week, or that it was the end of a long day. But I think it was the fact that yet again, I overdid myself.
See, this is the thing about having RA. There are days when you wake up and you feel just awful. You can't get out of bed, you are in excruciating amount of physical pain, your depression is at an all time high, and nothing seems to go right. But then there are days when you are feeling invincible...like you could do anything and climb Mount Everest. Okay, so maybe not Mount Everest, but you get my drift. You feel good.
That was how I felt yesterday and probably why in my head I thought it was a good idea to try and tackle the cleaning project that I attempted. Granted my morning was not that great, but I didn't need pain meds, so in my determination, THAT is a good day. But with RA, things can change in a instant.
Physical limitations are the one thing I struggle with on a daily basis with this disease. I have always been a strong girl. Men and women alike have commented over the years about how strong I was physically, which is why I used to be one of the first people they would call when they needed help with moving and such. I have had good upper body strength...it was kinda my thing. Not my only thing mind you, but something that I was proud of...made me feel less dependant upon people. I rarely needed to ask for help, and it was nice. But now with the RA, that has all changed.
I am now to the point where I have to ask people to take the lids off things like the milk carton or the salt shaker, because I zero strength in my fingers. I cannot lift anything above my head that is more than five pounds. And moving boxes is simply out of the question. I have so many limitations now that I fell so helpless...sometimes useless. I know I shouldn't but I do.
Learning to live with these limitations in my life are secondary to the disease itself, but life altering none the less. Maybe that is why I cried last night. I don't like asking for help on simple things like changing the sheets on my bed or putting some old shoe boxes in the top of my closet. It seems unfair that I can go from one extreme to the next. But fairness is relative as most things are.
This reminds me of the Alcoholics Anonymous prayer they recite at the end of their meetings:
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
courage to change the things we can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
I need to accept those things that I cannot change. My new limitations in my life are not necessarily forever. They may change as I do. I just ask for the courage and strength to move forward and accept my new life. My life living with RA.
Wishing you all good health and happiness!
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